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Okay, so I may not be the most interesting read and I may not say anything that you don't already know but this diary is mainly for myself. I enjoy sharing it with others, particularly my close friends so they know what's happening in my world, but its still mainly for me. I love to type out my thoughts. Its a great break from my otherwise hectic day. And I love reading over old entries and seeing how much life has changed. So enjoy the read but try not to be too critical.

Me + My Temperament = Marion Center
October 28, 2006 - 10:58 a.m.

Sometimes I feel like stay-at-home mom is just another way to say "live-in maid". Seriously. I am pretty sure that at some point or another, every mother has felt this way. We spend all day cleaning, picking up the family's messes, making beds, struggling to keep on top of the laundry, only to do it all over again the next day. Yes, I really did clean that mess up 4 times already. Why bother cleaning the play room? The minute I walk out, it will become a disaster again?! The only real motivation for doing the laundry on a daily basis is to keep the clothes from being scattered all over the floor (which is what has happened at my house).

If you haven't picked up on it, I'm in a really cranky mood. I'm sure a good part of it is the fact that I went to bed WAY too late and then woke up 4 hours later. But the other part - its my house. Its a disaster. I know that I'm a bit obsessive about the house sometimes but seriously, its a mess. The laundryroom? Oh good grief! Don't even ask me about the laundryroom - or our bathroom; both rooms which are overflowing with laundry, be it clean or dirty. I need to put away the clothes in the laundryroom. It would be a good start. But I can never get to it. I'm too busy picking up messes that appear out of thin air. Maybe I just expect way too much out of everyone. Maybe this is just normal. But its driving me insane. I have lots of places to store things. Its super easy for even Haidyn to play and then put things back where they belong (and she sometimes does). But seriously. I can't handle tripping over everything or not even having a clean bowl and spoon to have breakfast with.

UGH. I am so cranky. I have one more very aggrevating thing on my mind but as it concerns my hubby, I will not discuss it here. I'm just frustrated. What is wrong with me? I am constantly crabby; complaining or crying about something. I am happy for a little while but then the buzz wears off and I hit the bottom again. I sound like I'm crazy. Maybe I'm going that way. Is this really the way its supposed to be?! Why, if being a stay-at-home mom is such a rewarding thing, do I feel sometimes like I'm completely trapped?! Paul says that if I want to go back to work, he will support that decision. So if I feel so trapped, why do I not want to go to work again? I can find a hundred excuses - the girls need a mother. If I worked, I'd just be doing so to pay the babysitter. Blah blah blah. But are those the real reasons?! Guh! I can't take much more of my own moodiness. I'm 25 and I honestly still don't "know what I want to be when I grown up". The skies are the limit - paralegal maybe; or a CNA?? I could be simply a secretary but that just sounds so low and mundane. I want to do something special. I want to have a title other than "MOM" or "gopher" (i.e. secretary). Okay, that is totally going to offend someone. I am honestly not dogging secretaries. That was what a lot of my previous jobs entailed. Its just that the only difference between mom & secretary is the pay. *sigh*

Okay, I really need to shut up. There is no reason to pass on my oh-so excellent mood to everyone else. I am sorry if I've offended you. I'm just in such a crabby mood. Seriously, if I have offended you, I'm very sorry.

A Heart In Turmoil - July 25, 2007
Still My Baby Girl - July 24, 2007
Aaaaggghhhh! Stessful Summer! - July 23, 2007
Jumping Through Hoops - July 20, 2007
A Vacation from Vacation - July 17, 2007

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