Walk By Faith

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Okay, so I may not be the most interesting read and I may not say anything that you don't already know but this diary is mainly for myself. I enjoy sharing it with others, particularly my close friends so they know what's happening in my world, but its still mainly for me. I love to type out my thoughts. Its a great break from my otherwise hectic day. And I love reading over old entries and seeing how much life has changed. So enjoy the read but try not to be too critical.

Am I Losing My Mind?!
January 25, 2007 - 5:32 p.m.

I feel like crying today. I could cry all day. I miss Mari. I miss being able to call her and visit to get my mind off of the things that are troubling me. I miss playing Mille Bornes and Cribbage with her. I know she is only a phone call away but my heart aches for her companionship.

My mind is such a mix of emotions right now that I've made myself sick to my stomach. I have been such a basket case the past couple of weeks. I don't know if its because of all the crazy events that have taken place with the ice storm, Mari & Cody moving and Cody joining the Air Force, or if my hormones are all out of whack or if... oh, I can't even think about it. Thinking about it will make me want to bawl. I want so badly to be pregnant but where is my faith?! God is in control, not me, yet I am really stressing over it. The main reason is that there are some "signs" for pregnancy and some for period. I've cramped off and on for about two weeks. It has pretty much subsided but there is still a bit of pain in my lower back once in a while that I can't seem to explain away. I spotted - just once - right about the time that implantation would have occurred (between day 21 & 22). I still can't think of anything other than that that would have caused it. There was nothing that could have aggrevated my cervix. My boobs throb like nothing else, but, as I said before, its not like a typical pregnancy pain. So here it is. I'm worrying too much over what I don't even have control over. Partially because I am afraid to be disappointed come Monday and partially because I'm terrified that because my symptoms are scant, that I'll miscarry like we did before. It is not a comforting thing.

The sad thing is that I know that if God wants us to have a third child, He will bless us with a healthy pregnancy. And that it is in HIS timing and not my own. I know this in my head. I just need to remind my heart. I think I just am in need of prayer. Prayers for peace. There is no reason for me to be so strung up over this. Poor Paul shouldn't have to deal with an emotional wreck before pregnancy makes me one. I wish I wasn't feeling so out of control. I feel like I have no control over my emotions. One minute I'm fine - sometimes even for a whole day - and then I'm stressed to the max and everything is making me pissy. Or, even worse, I'll bawl over stupid things for no reason at all. What is causing me to feel like I'm losing my mind. I guess in 4 days I will find out. And then I can either go ask for something to fix the stupid hormones or jump up and down with excitement for the blessing. We'll see. Please do pray for me, though. Until then, I just need to feel peace...

A Heart In Turmoil - July 25, 2007
Still My Baby Girl - July 24, 2007
Aaaaggghhhh! Stessful Summer! - July 23, 2007
Jumping Through Hoops - July 20, 2007
A Vacation from Vacation - July 17, 2007