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Okay, so I may not be the most interesting read and I may not say anything that you don't already know but this diary is mainly for myself. I enjoy sharing it with others, particularly my close friends so they know what's happening in my world, but its still mainly for me. I love to type out my thoughts. Its a great break from my otherwise hectic day. And I love reading over old entries and seeing how much life has changed. So enjoy the read but try not to be too critical.

To Be a Blessing
February 12, 2007 - 8:57 a.m.

No one likes change; at least not the majority. I am no different. I love to be comfortable and content in my little routine in the same house in the same city with the same friends around me. But sometimes God has a different purpose for us and we have the choice to follow His will or become miserable. (I am not saying that God makes us miserable. I am just saying that when we walk away from His will, we end up feeling that way.)

Paul and I have been attending the same church for years. Paul, in fact, has been a member of that church for close to 7 years now. It was the first church I became a member of since high school. All but a handful of our friends attend that church. Yet Paul and I are feeling led in a different direction. In the past year, it has been harder and harder to be involved in our church. Where I used to look forward to going to our Sunday School class, it has become more of a disappointment to me. Where I used to enjoy being involved in the church, it has become more of a chore. This sounds really sad. Please understand that I am not saying this church is bad. I am just saying that it no longer provides for our needs.

What happened that a church that once felt so much like home now feels so far away from that? As with any church, time changes it; new people come in, and others move away. Classes will change with time and, if God is blessing the church (as with ours) it grows. Though I don't like change, I have put my best foot forward and prayed that God would help me adjust to these changes. We have felt more and more separated from our class as the dynamics of the class changed. As I felt less fulfilled with our church home, I began missing more and more Sundays to the point that I would go only once or twice a month towards the end of last year. I have been struggling with the fact that we have not received one call from neither our teachers nor anyone else to see if there is something wrong or where we have been. The only correspondences and calls received are regarding nursery and you have no idea how much that bothers me. We have been involved in that church so long, why has no one taken note of our absences? Moreover, why hasn't anyone called? I don't want to make our church sound uncaring. I just do not feel that is where we belong any more. I want a church home that I can be involved in - more so than just babysitting one Sunday a month. When I first attempted stepping away from nursery as I felt strongly that I needed to be in service, I was brushed off without any question for me as to why I wanted to step away.

I have long believed that my gift is that of servanthood, if that makes sense at all. Whether it be massaging a friend/family member's feet after a terrible day, helping someone with their house when they are having a hard time or helping out at church on "Clean Up Saturday" (which we haven't had in 2 years). I want to be able to give back, using the gifts that God has given me. But at this point, I feel like I do not have that opportunity, unless you count nursery which I'm not going into further here. Most of you are aware of my feelings on that. I want a church home where my husband can be involved; where the men get together for a reason other than sports. Paul needs Christian men to get together with as much as I need female fellowship.

I think I am just rambling at this point. Again, please don't think I'm saying that our church is bad. It just does not meet our needs as a family (or my needs as an individual). I sat down with Paul this past weekend and talked to about these things. I think we will be looking for a new church home as Paul said that he is feeling the same regarding our church meeting our needs. Paul has the final say on this so he is praying for God's direction. I have such a hunger for a church family like we once had.

I guess I should stop repeating myself and get some things done. Please pray for us. Pray that God will either lead us to a new church home or change our hearts so that we can once again be blessed and be a blessing to our church.

A Heart In Turmoil - July 25, 2007
Still My Baby Girl - July 24, 2007
Aaaaggghhhh! Stessful Summer! - July 23, 2007
Jumping Through Hoops - July 20, 2007
A Vacation from Vacation - July 17, 2007

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