Walk By Faith

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Okay, so I may not be the most interesting read and I may not say anything that you don't already know but this diary is mainly for myself. I enjoy sharing it with others, particularly my close friends so they know what's happening in my world, but its still mainly for me. I love to type out my thoughts. Its a great break from my otherwise hectic day. And I love reading over old entries and seeing how much life has changed. So enjoy the read but try not to be too critical.

Heart's Longing
February 28, 2007 - 11:01 a.m.

Patience is one of the hardest attributes to attain in life. At least, that is how I am feeling right now. When there is something that you are looking forward to - be it an event such as a wedding or graduation or something as life changing as pregnancy or childbirth - it is hard to be patient. For me, this could not ring truer. I have struggled with patience my whole life; or the lack thereof.

My latest struggle with patience is probably quite obvious to most of you - getting pregnant. Paul and I have wanted a third since Haidyn was born nearly two years ago. We really want a boy but a healthy baby, either way would make us thrilled. Of course Morgan has been talking & praying about it non-stop since Haidyn was about six months old. My maternity coverage began in January so I had my IUD removed and we began trying the next day. So far, it has been a big headache. While my first period was completely normal, the following one was a week late - and lasted one whole day. And since then? Nothing. No cycle, no positive PGT, nothing. To say that I have been frustrated is putting it mildly. I so badly want to be pregnant.

There are times when I feel completely broken. Like somewhere between my birth to Haidyn and now, I've lost my ability to procreate. Hormones play a big part in this assumption, I'm sure. That's another thing = the hormones. I have been SO moody lately. Like the week or two before I start my period, I am impossible to be around. I'll be in a wonderful mood and then, within an hour, I'm ready to bite someone's head off. Paul has been bearing the brunt of my hormonal episodes. I am sure he feels like his wife is bipolar or mentally unstable at the very least. The most frustrating thing for me is that I don't want to worry about getting pregnant. I want it to happen more than anything, true, but I don't want to stress over it. With all of my heart I want to leave it in God's hands and trust that if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, there is a reason. And, often, I am able to feel at peace about that. But when my hormones spike, I feel anything but at peace about it. I feel broken.

Whenever there is something that you want REALLY bad, everyone tells you "Don't worry about it" and "It will happen when it happens". My only question - how do you truly not worry about it? How do you manage to ignore the effects of the hormones and not become irritable, depressed and frustrated by it? If I could just find out to give things to God and LEAVE THEM with Him. I need to just leave it in God's hands. But how do I do that?

A Heart In Turmoil - July 25, 2007
Still My Baby Girl - July 24, 2007
Aaaaggghhhh! Stessful Summer! - July 23, 2007
Jumping Through Hoops - July 20, 2007
A Vacation from Vacation - July 17, 2007