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Okay, so I may not be the most interesting read and I may not say anything that you don't already know but this diary is mainly for myself. I enjoy sharing it with others, particularly my close friends so they know what's happening in my world, but its still mainly for me. I love to type out my thoughts. Its a great break from my otherwise hectic day. And I love reading over old entries and seeing how much life has changed. So enjoy the read but try not to be too critical.

Opening Lines of Communication
March 06, 2007 - 10:58 p.m.

I just finished typing up an entry - an entry for myself. Of course I deleted it because I did not feel that it was appropriate to share for all the world to read. Sometimes I wish that this was still a private diary and that I could type things in it without worry of who was going to read it. Do not worry. My deleted entry was not about anyone but me. And it was about my Christian walk - something that I feel requires a lot of work.

I have learned something tonight. Christianity is not an easy walk. You can attend church and you can do your "Christianly works" but Christianity does not start with outword deeds or actions - it is a matter of the heart. You can say and do all the right things and fool others into believing that you are a "good, 'on-track' Christian". You can even fool yourself into believing as much. But God knows your heart and He sees who you really are. Do you have a hunger for His word? Do you read it on a daily basis - pouring over the words as children do when they hunger for knowledge at a young age? Do you walk into your day, knowing that it is not YOUR day but HIS and that no matter what happens, HE is in control? Or do you walk through the day, in complete control of your tasks and "to-do" lists, only stopping to speak with God when you ask Him to bless your food? The sad thing is, I cannot say that I walk into each day, having given the day to Him. I cannot say that I pick up His Word each day, having spent some time (be it morning or night) learning more about Him. Some days I will go through the whole day, speaking only to Him at meals or when tucking the girls in for the night. How sad is it that I can go a whole day without speaking to my Creator?

I have learned that I can make excuses all day long as to why I haven't talked to Him or why I haven't picked up my bible. I can rationalize in my head that its okay. I can tell myself (and others) that its hard and though I really honestly mean to pick it up, I just haven't been able to or when I do, I don't glean anything from it. But these are just excuses. My sister said something to me when she was hear that echos in my ear each time that I think about the fact I haven't read the bible in a while: "How can we say we have a close relationship with God when we haven't opened His Word? If you had a friendship where only the other talked, would the friendship last long? Could you say that you were good friends if you were unable to say a word? Well, by not picking up God's Word, you are not letting Him speak to you." Prayer is only part of our relationship with the Father. The other is reading the bible. Spending time each morning, afternoon or night reading from His Word. Merely hearing the pastor on Sunday or reading a verse or two from a devotional does not allow God to speak the way opening up the Bible and studying it would. And I am ashamed to admit that this is one of my biggest downfalls as a Christian. How can I expect to grow if I do not read from the Word?

It frightens me to think of the time I have wasted making excuses as to why I haven't talked to God or why I have not read from His Word. This was the subject of that deleted entry. I am not typing this up to seem on a soap box. Nor am I typing this up to admonish others for their short-comings. This entry, as in the one before, is for me. A tangible admonishment to myself for where I have (or have not) allowed myself to go. I am tired of being the preverbial baby Christian. I have a hunger to grow and to learn and to be truly used by God. I'm tired of making excuses as to why I have not done the things I should. In typing this, I remember one more lesson that I have recently (sadly enough) learned and that is you truly CANNOT do it by yourself. If you truly want to grow and learn and become closer to Christ, you must lean TOTALLY on Him. So many times I have set out to grow in my Christian walk without the Father by my side. I know, it sounds rediculous but it happens often. We say to ourselves, "I will read my bible more" or whatever your goal may be. But we forget to ask Christ to help us to do these things. We set out with the intention (most times without realizing it) of accomplishing these goals, no matter how humbly, on our own. If that makes no sense, I apologize. I have so many times set out with the greatest of intentions but because I did not ask God to be in control and to help me accomplish these goals, I have failed miserably. If I want to truly grow, I have to trust in Him to be in control of things and trust in Him to guide me through the day. And, if I ask God to help me remember to read my bible each morning, I can't ignore it when He does remind me. That is another one of my mistakes - I ask for help but allow laziness and other excuses to keep Him from helping me.

I've gone on long enough with this entry. Funny that I deleted the first entry only to type up parts of it in this one. I did not mean to get on any soap boxes and if I did, I apologize. This entry is not pointed towards anyone but myself. My most fervent prayer is that I am able to open my heart to allow God to work in my life. I cannot grow as a Christian until I allow Him to be in total conrol of my life. And I cannot grow until I take the steps to have a daily walk with Him - both through His Word and through prayer. Because no one can maintain a good friendship without normal conversation.

A Heart In Turmoil - July 25, 2007
Still My Baby Girl - July 24, 2007
Aaaaggghhhh! Stessful Summer! - July 23, 2007
Jumping Through Hoops - July 20, 2007
A Vacation from Vacation - July 17, 2007

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